Okay, it's not really day 67, I've just stopped blogging. Thing is, I think all the whining, public disclosure of personal issues, and self-aggrandizing are coming to an end. To quote James Morrison (not of the Doors) "I've got one last chance to get myself together. I can't lose no more time, it's now or never. I've tried to remember who I used to be." There's a life out there that I'm not living, but I need to be and sitting around whining in a blog or waiting for things to happen is not going to get me there. I'm at a point in my life that it is time to make some hard choices. I have to realize that I cannot have everything I want, so I will have to walk away from some and fight for others. The trick here, is to know which is which, or as Kenny Roger's put it "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."
I think maybe I could live my life by song lyrics, they seem intuitive and wise enough, certainly no worse off than my current style of living has gotten me. So here I am, once again perched tentatively and uneasily at a crossroads and the only thing I know for sure is that I cannot stay where I am. School, marriage, freedom, career, NYC . . .? There are looming questions and no answers so maybe it's time to take control and to force a few on my own.
I know I blogged incessantly about the husband and my feelings, our separation, my hope to reconcile . . . blah, blah, blah. I'm even annoying myself with the self-pity and emotional wreckage. I love him, yes. I want him back. He's in California thinking it over, basically deciding if he can't live without me. Well, he may love me, but I know myself well enough to know I'm no picnic and anytime someone asks themselves "Can I live without Ame?" The answer that's going to come back is not going to be in my favor. So time for plan B. Should Jeff realize we're happier when we're together and forgive me for all my stupidity and flaws I'll be ecstatic. Until then, however, I have to live a life I am proud of and crying about my sorry life is not it.
I am currently pursuing my graduate degree in Public Administration, specifically Emergency Management. The goal is a government job in FEMA or similar function at a private or subnational government agency. So here's the thing, I can't have a government official google me and find my "spill my guts" blog online. It will kill my chances at a career. I've likely killed my marriage, I'm losing that too. So the blog has to die soon. And not just die, but be deleted from this world. I will have to stifle that side of me that craves a creative outlet and who uses that outlet for personal catharsis. Can I live without it? Sure, maybe I'll journal, who knows. I do know that we all end up compromising in life eventually and I've been living on my terms for far too long. Time to compromise, time to chase not a dream, but a real possibility and if that possibility makes me sort of happy that's going to be enough. At least for a while.
I don't know where I'll be living in five months. I don't know if I'll still be separated or semi-happily married. I only know that I need to make decisions and to stop waiting for someone else to open a door for me. I can open my own damn doors. So here's to picking a path and finding some doors. I'm not sure where it will take me, but I know I can't stay here.
About Me
- Ame.
- Charlotte, NC, United States
- My brain never stops and whatever I think tends to come out of my mouth. This daily blog helps me to channel those things maybe better left unsaid to a forum that you can read by choice and I can call them how I see them. Join me each day as I debate the political, social, personal and the ridiculous . . . mostly with myself. Life is full of crazy shit, I just happen to be one of those people that both notice and comment.
Good for you for coming to the realization. The self-pity is so 2010. Time to move on and take control.
ReplyDeleteAnd good luck. Deleting your history on the interwebs might be more of a task than you think. Everything gets archived somewhere.
I will miss these blogs because in some sort of long distance way I resonate with these feelings, ideas, rants. I have always appreciated your honesty - in this post as well. But I am sure that your tremendous ability to communicate sincerely and openly will follow you to better places!
ReplyDeleteSo I watched the movie "EatPrayLove" last night cause I found it at the library and Julia Roberts was in it so it had to be good-- I know it has the word- pray- in it but don't worry- its hindu, meditations etc.. so no one is trying to convert you;) It's about a girl who chooses plan B. She reminded me of you in a lot of ways. Anyhow, it was a great movie and I think you would enjoy it. It's based on a true story and she is a writer.
ReplyDeleteI will miss your blogs but it isn't about me or anyone else for that matter. You have to do what is best for you. I know that for me too figuring all of that out is a challenge.
I know that the more difficult trials in my life have all turned out for the better and made me stronger and smarter.- at least in some areas;) This is why I that after the smoke has cleared you will look back and be amazed at how things finally turned out:) Not something you can really agree with now probably, but that is the whole cycle of it. You can't see good out of bad but you will be able to look back and see it differently. Rambling so I will stop. Good luck! You are strong, even when you think you aren't ---you are!!! And watch the movie! I thought of you when I watched it and the fact that you efven mentions plan b is kinda funny- i think it's a sign:)LOL!!