Day 54: If Only Life Had a Master Key

I've fallen off writing of late. Not sure why, just doesn't feel right for some reason. There are all these factors, both public and personal at work and the swirl of thoughts and potential blogs is a bit overwhelming, so instead of tackling them, I was ignoring. That is old-school Ame, so I'm trudging forward once again.
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This weekend is going to be a game changer for me. The path my life will take after this weekend will alter irrevocably depending not on my actions, but on the choices and emotions of another person. For a control freak like me, to have someone else hold my fate in his hands is almost unbearable. Still, I am resisting with everything in me to not self-sabotage and to follow through. Everything I have done in the last two years has brought me to this crossroads and I will stand here and wait for my path to be chosen for me.

That statement is a bit misleading. No one can actually chose my life path for me, but another can limit options as certain doors are closed. Once I know what choices are available to me I can go in a dozen different directions, but the one path I want to follow, that I am pinning my future happiness to is the one choice I cannot make on my own. We talk so much in terms of making our own destiny and being whatever we want to be, but never do our parents sit us down after these idealistic little chats and say, well, if others in your life are willing to entertain those choices that is.

Fact is, we do not get to choose all our own paths. Yes, we can decide if we want to be doctors or environmentalists, but we are not in sole control of our relationships. Friendships, marriages, familial bonds are all affected by all parties involved and no matter how much we want or need something it will not make it so. I know, for instance, that my husband loves me. I know it because as much as he claims to want out, he cannot cut me off completely. The problem is, he hasn't cut me off not because he wants the contact but because he knows it will kill me and he cannot bear to hurt me. Ironic isn't it? He wants out to save himself, but my pain hurts him too. That's love, but it's not the same as being a willing participant in it.

For our chosen path to be open to us we depend not just on our own recognition and acknowledgement of what we want and need, but of the willingness of others affected to be open to it as well. Without both of these factors working in our favor we are destined to be unhappily clawing at a locked door or else forced to digress from our desired path. So yes, I get to choose my graduate degree, my career path, where I'll live, and the type of whiskey I'll be drinking when I make my intended choice known, but the response, the fate of that door swinging open or locking shut is totally, completely out of my hands. It is terrifying and that too is another aspect of myself I am working on.

I'll face my fears this weekend. I'll stare fear down and the possible rejection of that locked door and I'll do it not because I don't have other options, but because I will never be able to fully move on until I test that door and see if maybe, just maybe, I really do have the key.