Day 64: As Good as it Gets? Let's Hope Not.

I am emotionally drained. You know that line, that place you get to where you just hit a wall? It's not depression. I still function in society. I care about how I look, I am capable of having a laugh and being in a good mood. There's just this . . . wall of emotional exhaustion that I just cannot quite get past. What if you live on that wall? What if every day of your life is a struggle? Sure, there are always those worse off, but don't forget there are also those who may be much better off. Sometimes things come easy to people. Sometimes for some people life is all picnics and noodle salad as Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good as it Gets" says in the movie. So what if this is, as good as it gets?

Do you have to be satisfied with it? There are always those happy, shiny people out there that are obsessively positive. They'll tell you to be happy for what you have, to appreciate what you have been given in life and what you have accomplished, but it's not that you cannot acknowledge or appreciate those things. Why can't you also be upset about those things you do not have? So what if I might be negative or see things that I want and do not have or things I would like to accomplish and have failed at? Is it wrong to acknowledge those things? Are we just supposed to languish and be satisfied with what we have?

I had a karate teacher years ago who said, "never be satisfied because when you're satisfied you become comfortable and stop trying." I find that there is a trick to walking that line. If you are not satisfied does that mean that you are dissatisfied? That you are grumpy and unhappy with life or that you simply want more and wish to strive for more success in life? I think we can all agree that that is a good thing, right? Some of us may just recognize both the trying and the failing and why can't I acknowledge the things that I failed at? I am apparently supposed to simply walk around with a big, goofy grin plastered on my face and be happy about the fact that yes, I got a raw-assed deal.

For some people life is picnics and noodle salad. I am not saying that we all do not have problems, but I do believe that we have different problems and varying degrees of the same problems. For some, being broke might mean they are down to their last ten thousand, but for me it could mean that I have seven dollars. Total. I can't lose ten pounds, but I weigh 126, so the person that weighs 226 has arguably a real problem. So should I shut up and just love myself or do I have the right to be unhappy with particular details in my own life. Yes, they might have a bigger problem than me (pun intended), but I still get to acknowledge the factors in my own life that make me unhappy despite the degree of that problem as viewed from someone else's perspective. I still have a right in my own life to recognize those things I do not like or wish to change.

I am emotionally exhausted because every time things start to go my way something bad happens. I am not alone in this. What about the grad student who is one semester away from graduating and suddenly finds out that he/she has a potentially fatal disease and has to drop out? Or you finally see the light at the end of the financial tunnel and then you get into an auto accident or your house catches fire and now that money that was going to put you ahead is just going to help you break even?

I am tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of losing. I am tired of getting shit because I dare to recognize the fact that sometimes life really does suck. It's not because I am negative or have a bad attitude. It is because life is beating the fuck out of me. Yes, sometimes I make bad choices that contribute to it, but in a lifetime of good intentions I think we all deserve a few bad choices without them coming back on us. So I apologize, but if this is as good as it gets then no, I am not happy. I want more, and I think that's okay.