Day 65: What if This is the End?

I feel like I'm whining too much or divulging too much when I get personal in my blogs, but the stats say those are the ones you like the most. Maybe hearing about my struggles helps you in some way? We're all human, we all screw up, we all hurt, why look at Ame, she's a total freakin' mess most of the time . . . well, you're in luck because it's one of those days.

The husband is moving to Death Valley in California in one week. We  spent Superbowl weekend together and it was fun. We had some laughs, shed some tears and in the end parted with a hug. It might have been the last time we ever see one another. He knows where I stand and what I want. He has some big choices to make and the hardest part for me is knowing that there isn't a damn thing I can do to influence him. Jeff is a man. They don't do big gestures and I've said and written all I can to try to coerce him to see things my way. It is now in his hands alone and while for most women, love will win out every time, guys aren't really like that.

Love is great, yes, but they are more quick to turn off emotions when they fear heartbreak might be the result. They can walk away, they can live in denial. Women on the other hand, and myself in particular, will pound our heads into our own wall of emotion until the only thing we know and feel is what we believe we need and want absolutely. We tell ourselves that life will be miserable without this one thing and we fixate on it until we've made ourselves miserable. It's a skill. We're just more talented and focused as people.

Ha. If only that were true. I don't know why we fixate on those things that are painful, all I know is that I love my husband, he's not sure he loves me enough to take me back and that means my entire world and self-value are dependent upon his feelings. Surely I have value without him. I'm not an idiot. I recognize that life will go on and that I will likely love again . . . I just don't want it to. This is what I want, he is who I need and I am determined to make myself miserable until I convince him or I run out of energy to punish myself.

Love is not the fairy tale it's made out to be. We all suffer for it one way or another. I made him suffer because I was unhappy and now he gets to make me suffer. I have no idea where this is going. I know that we love one another. I also know that love is never enough despite all the cheesy songs singing to the contrary. Real life is not neat or easy and love rarely solves problems. I may never see my husband's face again and that knowledge tears me up almost to the point that I cannot function, so I don't let myself think about it or feel it beyond simply stating it. If I did, I don't know that I could control the waves of grief that would surely follow. Right now, it is still a question, an uncertain possibility in a sea of chances. I'm just trying to ride surf for now; holding on for dear life. I'm not worried about finding land, I'm too preoccupied with merely surviving.