There's an old Willie Nelson song that goes something like, "Who'll buy my memories of things that used to be; there were smiles before the tears and with the smiles some better years." Lately this song has played over and over in my head like a theme to a melodramatic Hollywood film. With six years of memories and no place to put them, nor the ability (or willingness) to simply forget them, who will buy my memories?
Every story I have to tell is a "we" story. My photos from Southeast Asia, the beautiful field of sunflowers in Spain, the wine bar in New York . . . these are all "we" stories and events too. How can I talk about the pool bar and the Governor's House frozen cocktails in Negril without mentioning "we"? Every story, every photo, every trip, every major purchase are all "we" moments and now after six years of "we" I'm supposed to simply revert to being an "I"? How is that done?
My memories are filled with images and anecdotes that are either of him or of us. Now that the relationship is ending do I avoid discussing anything but the most basic of facts and events or only cover the last six months? How does one simply erase or ignore the "we" of their past? Jeff used to tell me I was too concerned with pronouns, but to me, those two or three letter words tell a story. Whether or not a person is part of a "we" or simply an "I" make a difference. That is "our" car. "We" would love to go to dinner. "Our" vacation was wonderful. These are the stories of my life over the last six years.
To this day when I talk to people I talk about "us" and "we," I just do not clarify who the other half of my plural pronoun is. If our lives are made up not just of the present moments, but of the memories of our experiences how do the sane and stable not fixate on those others in their photos and mental memory banks? I cannot talk about the ocean, Spain, chorizo, wine bars, football or a dozen other topics without immediately calling that "we" to mind.
These memories, worthless to anyone else are priceless to me and yet I find it nearly impossible to own them. So who will buy memories because if something I cherished, but ruined is truly gone, I don't think I can afford to carry them around anymore. The cost is just too high.
About Me
- Ame.
- Charlotte, NC, United States
- My brain never stops and whatever I think tends to come out of my mouth. This daily blog helps me to channel those things maybe better left unsaid to a forum that you can read by choice and I can call them how I see them. Join me each day as I debate the political, social, personal and the ridiculous . . . mostly with myself. Life is full of crazy shit, I just happen to be one of those people that both notice and comment.
{{hugs}} Wish I could somehow be there to help you through this awful time. Misti xxoo
ReplyDeleteI am truly sorry u have to go through this:( Life is a crapper sometimes. I don't know what the future holds for u but I do know u will be ok. Why? because u aren't the kinda girl to wade in her tears. I don't know what direction things will go for any of us in the future. Nor am a a psychologist or shrink so I don't know what to tell u other than u do have the strength to get through this part of your life. I'd pray about it but I know you will just get ticked if I did that. Or tell u I am:) LOL
ReplyDeleteThis is just an assumption from what I know about you via the computer but it seems that you push the things that can make you happy away. Something with your personality I suppose and i don't think you do it on purpose at all. Just a little insight from my percpective. However flawed it probably is. I only wish you the best and to be honest, it would be wayy easier to just read your blog and say-- oh sorry Ame as I walk away.- from the computer that is. I will tell u what I think even if u think I'm "all wet." As my dad would put it.
Sometimes I find myself fighting agains the things that I really need:) I really wish the best for you in 2011!!!! Keep that bull-headed head up;)