Day Forty-six: 2010 Needs to Die

Thankfully 2010 is over. I don't want to be a drama queen or anything, but I could not be more happy to see the close of this year than if it brought vast sums of money, career advancement and liposuction with it. This has absolutely been the worst year of my life. What I am trying to come to terms with now, however, is if that had something to do with my own energy.

If we put out into the world what we expect to get back as several new-age type sources would have one believe, then I was a total fucking train-wreck asshole in 2010. I get that I'm not a super positive person and I might bring some negative stuff down on myself, but seriously? Could you suck more? No? Yeah, I didn't think so. This year was worse than the year my Mother died which was exactly ten years ago. Worse only because in that year I also moved to NYC which saved me.

The city reaffirmed for me who I am as a person and the life I am meant to lead. It was my home, my friend, and my confidante. New York City is a living presence in the lives of those of us who have lived and loved there and I have not been the same since I left. Since those years I've been adrift. I thought I found my home with my husband, but his own journey took him far away from both himself and the life we built together. So here I am,  a woman without an emotional and physical anchor.

This past year showed me the true depths of myself. I learned not just what I was capable of, but what I could excuse. We all make mistakes, but mistakes do not always equal regret. As a person who has committed her life to living without regrets and to the notion that I do not need a partner to be happy, this year has been very revealing, sadly, those lessons were learned too late. I am flawed. I am selfish. I am incomplete and unbalanced. My husband was my balance and through him I had a true center, without him I spiral off into directions that serve neither my own interests nor those of anyone around me.

Ask me if people need people and I will tell you the story of a woman who believed she was better off alone, but who made a mess of her life without the grounding force of love. I'm so far from perfect it's laughable, but at least I know I need work. I suppose there is small comfort in that fact. Self-awareness is the starting point and it is what will save you. I know I'm a mess. I know I fucked up the best thing I've ever had in my life. I know that I need love in my life, but fight like hell the notion that I need anyone other than myself. It is not easy to be vulnerable. It's never really been my thing, but I admitted it once and it came around to bite me in the ass.

Jeff Bramlett, I love every damn thing about you. I miss all ten hairs left on your head. I adore your silly, girly laugh. I miss that hairy chest and amazing ass. I crave your brain and the fact that you know the answer to every stupid jeopardy question. You are my safe place and my future. I don't know how to live without you. 2010 ended our marriage, but it will never end my love for you. I know I'm a fuck up, hell, you knew that when you married me. Wake up Bramlett, this is your life. It's not neat or tidy or  easy. It's me. Flaws and all, you fell in love with this crazy bitch and for better or worse I'm what you've got. This is the for worse part. But once upon a time there was a better and it can be that way again. Just take the chance, believe and take the leap.

2011 can't be any worse than what we've already lived through. At least I hope not. I don't think I can survive another 2010, there's a limit to even my strength and we're kinda already there.