Day Eleven: You May Have a Problem

Times are tough financially. I could use a bargain. I like sales. I need to buy people Christmas gifts as well as buying myself gifts, so where could I find a good sale at Thanksgiving . . .? Oh yeah, I know, at THREE FUCKING A.M.!!!

Black Friday is one thing. There have been great deals available in stores the day after Thanksgiving for years, and every year it gets crazier. I thought we'd reached the pinnacle of "WTF?" when people starting getting trampled to death while trying to rush into the stores. Then we began camping out overnight or even a day or two in advance, but this year i think we've really hit the point that I need to visit the parking lots where these people are waiting just to let them know what morons they are.

The possibility of death by shopping doesn't sway them. The idea of camping out days in advance, sometimes missing Thanksgiving altogether, doesn't sway them. Now we have stores opening as early as 3am on Friday and people are planning to go. What kind of sale could make an ordinarily sane person want to go shopping at 3am the morning after Thanksgiving? There are very few things one should be doing at 3am and none of them are shopping.

For the benefit of any of you who might be considering a trip to whatever stupid ass stores are planning to open that early, here is a helpful list of generally accepted 3am activities:

1) Sleeping - the most common 3am activity.
2) Wishing that you were sleeping. A popular insomniac activity at 3am.
3) Drinking or getting home from drinking. Another very common post "Thanksgiving day with the family" activity.
4) Having sex. A common late night activity that often follows item three.
5) Wishing you hadn't have gotten drunk and had sex with that random from the bar.
6) Eating leftover Thanksgiving turkey and/or pie.
7) Pretty much anything other than waiting in a parking lot for the opportunity to be trampled to death in your quest for an X-box.

Seven a.m. is almost respectable, six a.m. is pushing the boundaries of rationality, five a.m. is ridiculous, but three in the damn morning these people are ready to shove and push their way through Wal-mart for a Cuisinart? I love my kitchen gadgets, but get a grip people! Go get drunk, have sex with a relative stranger and make yourself and her/him a damn turkey sandwich. Let's bring some sanity back to our shopping. It should happen during the day or online in your underwear, not at Kohl's at three a.m.