Day Ten: Falling in Love with Myself

I am giving myself permission to be nice to myself. Years of low self-esteem, fear of rejection, hurt from rejection, and mismanagement of my personal and professional life have left me less than confident. Just when it seemed that everything was falling apart, however, I suddenly find myself putting it all together and it feels pretty terrific. It sucks that it's taken me so long, but it may not altogether be my fault. Numerous variables factor into my life equation.

For one thing, my childhood kind of sucked after the age of 8. I grew up poor and with tension and sometimes outright hostility in my house. I fell in love and bed way too early and it did not turn out well. I seem to recall being labeled a whore by my own brother. (Don't worry, we're good now.) I skipped the traditional college experience due to a lack of finances and no desire to spend even more time with other annoying teenagers. I couldn't find or settle on a fulfilling career, thanks in part to an English Lit degree (Yes, I know I could always teach. Thanks for pointing that out for the 837 thousandth time.) My Mother died way too early. My relationship ability stinks. I've had good friends betray me. I can't sleep for shit. I wrestled with a long-lasting bout of bulimia (it doesn't make you skinny, but it's kind of awesome to get to eat an entire pizza and cake without the repercussions). And there was my ever-present pessimism to contend with.

What's changed you ask? Well, thankfully, most of that shit, but the most notable for me is that I had a doctor do some blood-work and she discovered some medical reasons for at least some of my issues. She also discovered two lumps in my breasts, but a scary couple of weeks and my first mammogram later and that seems to have been a false alarm. The good news about being medically broken, however, is that I am extremely, dangerously vitamin D deficient and I am very hypothyroid. Why is this good news you ask? Well, because the doc put me on prescription meds for both and wouldn't you know it, I'm feeling almost chipper some days!

I know, shocking, but let's not call a cheerleader intervention just yet, it's just some days. Still, I have to admit that I'm feeling oddly positive about life. I'm even sleeping most nights, though not all the way through and only for 2-3 hours at a time, but still I am sleeping! The world is brighter -- literally -- and I am not giving into the urges to cry or panic when I feel overwhelmed. I haven't yelled at anyone lately, even while driving, and I kind of like people . . . well, mostly.

The vitamin D thing was the most surprising to me. I had no idea you could even be dangerously low on vitamin D levels or that a prescription strength vitamin D supplement existed. You can and it does. The hypothyroidism I knew about having been diagnosed over ten years ago, but I was never consistently on synthetic hormones to right my thyroid levels. It's not dangerous after all. Hyper-thyroidism can be life threatening, but hypos like me are just sluggish, fat, cold, and moody. Turns out the vitamin D thing can lead to moodiness too. So now that I've been on meds for a few weeks I've got to tell you that life is a bit happier, even when bad stuff is happening. Rather than get depressed, blame the world, or be bitchy to someone I have decided to fight for what I want and to suck up the parts that aren't great.

I'm making positive changes in my life, which is what I tried to do a year and a half ago when I started my first blog. Maybe at that time I just wasn't physically ready. Now, I'm in grad school and loving it. (I won a scholarship, am doing well, and see a real professional future for myself.) My personal life isn't faring well, but I am determined to fight for what I want and for the man I love, whether he wants me to or not. I feel stronger and more positive about life in general and I'm happier, which is new.

My finances are seeing an upside, my friendships are coming into focus (the deadweight has either been cut or cut itself), and I'm spending all my time either working or studying so there's just not a lot of time for pointless socializing or drinking. I do miss wine and whiskey though, I'm not going to lie, and I've gained five pounds from not having time to workout, but I've also gained some mental stability and happiness which is definitely worth the five pounds. I am grateful. Each year at this time when people ask what I'm thankful for I don't really have a good answer, but this year I do. I will save that though, for Thursday's blog.