Day Six: Learning to Regret

We all do things we regret. I try not to believe in regrets because they lead to cop-outs and a certain denial that makes people feel exonerated. It is not okay to simply regret something and expect that to make it all better. Regret can be a wasted emotion, afterall, we cannot change what is already done. These days, however, I am learning the meaning of regret and I have come to understand that regret isn't always about us, but that it is often about those who we hurt with our actions.

So yes, I can say that I do not regret a decision because it is now part of who I am and that matters on some level, but is that at all comforting to someone I care about and have hurt? Regrets mean we did something wrong along the path we are on and that we are coming to terms with it and accepting our role in those mistakes.

I used to see regret as sort of pointless in a hindsight kind of way, but now I realize that regrets are  not for us, they are for those we've hurt. Just as we attend a funeral not for the deceased, but for the surviving loved ones, a regret expresses our remorse for the benefit of another. regretting does not change anything in and of itself, and so the act of regret is actually a bit more philanthropic than I realized. I regret hurting you. I made a mistake. I am so incredibly sorry. Those words tell you that more than an apology, you regret it having happened in the first place.

The difference is not easy to discern, but I've been there, so I know. I can be sorry without necessarily regretting. I'm sorry I beat you to that parking spot, I'm sorry, I ordered the last scallop entree, I'm sorry I hurt you. Regret is more powerful. Regrets mean not only that we're sorry, but that we'd change it if we could, that no matter what we've learned or who it might make us, the actual reality is that we'd erase it all if we could. I still hate regrets, but I'm learning that I've made some mistakes that sorry just isn't enough to cover. I would erase it if I could. I would turn back time, there is nothing I would not do to make it not happen, but it did, so all I can do now is to apologize and to tell you how deeply I regret it. I will never get past the mistakes I've made. Will I continue to live, sure. I may even find a way to be tentatively happy, but I will never cease to regret the pain I've caused and the destruction my selfishness created. I guess in a way, I've grown through regret, I just wish that lesson could have spared us both some pain.