Day Twelve: Grateful

I tend to be issue-based or negative in my blogs, but tonight will be different. Tonight we're going to highlight what I am thankful for, only Ame-style. You know I'm not a positive, sunny person which is what gets me into trouble so much about being negative. I am not actually negative, I just notice things and feel that commenting on the positive is a bit redundant. We know the positives, one does not need to point out why something that is good, is good. I see the full picture and just normally think the unspoken is the most worth commenting on.

Today is different. It is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so many things. Me being me, however, I just see a lot of what I'm thankful for in the failures. Most of all, I am grateful for the love in my life. I have had some amazing relationships. My husband, though trying to claw his way out, is my greatest gift. Love is never a mistake, even when it does not end well. I love my husband, I love the happiness we found together, I love his silly laugh, I love that he loved me. I am grateful for that love and the knowledge that someone out there found me worthy of it.

I am grateful for my Mother. I didn't have the most happy childhood, and I'm still pretty pissed off about being adopted. My Mother, however, was pretty amazing. She was the kindest, gentlest, soul I've ever known and I hope the that the 27 years I got to have with her will one day make me a better person. There were missteps, my awful Stepfather being a big one, but underneath everything was this belief that the good in people would triumph and made them all worth the effort.

I am thankful for my intelligence and self-awareness. Yes, it also means that lots of times I know my life sucks or that I'm unhappy, bitchy, poor, fat, whatever, but it also means that I'm never going to truly be without recourse. I will always be able to dig myself out of whatever hole I've gotten myself into and I will always find people that are true friends.

Life is unpredictable at best and sometimes it is heartbreaking. That heartbreak teaches us what is important and what it means to be part of a bigger picture. My happiness is not the most important thing in the world. So forgive me, if I do not point out all the wonderful aspects to my life and tend to focus more on what's wrong in the world. It is not because I do not see or feel it, it's because I am just a speck in this universal struggle for existence and happiness and I judge my own life to be less important than the big picture. I don't want to focus solely on the happy or immediate, because for me, that negates the greater issues of importance. My happiness is lovely, but it is extraneous when there is so much strife and suffering.

I am thankful to not ever find myself struggling to the point that it is all I can see and I am equally grateful to never be so all-consumed with my own happiness that I fail to see the misery around me. Fault me if you will, but know that I am the way I am with the best intentions. I do not always see the repercussions my actions will have on others. I see the big picture and sometimes choose to put a band-aide on the pain by using impulsive actions or words. It is not a reflection on my feelings, it's just a way to shade myself from the things I don't know how to change.

I am grateful every day to be alive and to have had a loving family, friends and relationships. I am grateful to know I will never truly be destitute or alone. I am grateful for the ability to hope and believe when everything you tell me goes against my desired outcome. I am grateful I got even a day with you, Jeff Bramlett. We cannot undo our past choices, but we can at least appreciate what is real, even if maybe it no longer exists.