Day Fifteen: Regrets or Destiny, Time to "Face" My Reality

Do you remember that scene in the original "Poltergeist" where the nerdy paranormal researcher with glasses is standing in front of the mirror and suddenly begins peeling his face off? Well, I feel like that sometimes. Don't you? You look in the mirror and for whatever reason you just don't like what you see and wish you could tear the image, and in a symbolic gesture yourself, to pieces.

I'm not one to regret, in fact I even have a tattoo to that effect, but I do realize that sometimes in life we all make decisions that in the moment seem perhaps wiser than than they should. Don't get me wrong, there are also plenty of days when I stare at my reflection with chagrin, amusement, shock, pride, disappointment, and any number of other emotions. It just so happens, that as a woman who makes decisions largely based on emotions and spontaneity, it should not be unusual for me to feel at least the smidge of regret. Funny thing is, I rarely do.

We all have many faces we show the world and I hope that rare are the times when one's own face gives us so much pause that we feel like ripping it apart, but I do recognize that it happens. So the question is, whose fault is it? Are we to blame because life offers so many wonderful options that from time to time we are guilty of choosing pleasure or selfishness over prudence? What about choosing a life less fulfilling because we know it is the expected "right" choice, but we grow to hate ourselves because we ignored our own needs? Sometimes making choices that one regrets has nothing to do with selfishness at all.

Truth be told there are several things I regret and while most of them are going in the category of "Oh, for fuck's sake why did I do that?" there are also a few that lead me to believe I passed on something that could have been truly fulfilling or rewarding simply because I felt that doing the "right" thing meant I had to go another way. In either case the result is the same and quite honestly after nearly 38 years with it, I'm really starting to get accustomed to my face, so shredding it from shame really isn't much of an option.

We have to look in the mirror, we have to live with who and what we see, and we have to find a way to make it okay. I'm struggling to find that balance, but I'll tell you what really gets me. Is it better to abstain and bypass what could be a truly wonderful opportunity or experience to pursue what is righteous or to never take a risk because you are so afraid of making a mistake and being faced with regret? I may not believe in regrets, but more than that, I do not believe in living a life that doesn't at least give one the opportunity to make some.

Life is a challenge and it's hard, no one said it would be easy. So if you come to the end and looking back you realize that you only made a few real mistakes worth regretting, I'd count that as a win. Maybe saving face, as the expression goes. really isn't as important as saving oneself. I know I'd rather die of shame and embarrassment from trying too hard at something than never trying at all. So look out, I'm fighting for what I want and it's up to you to fight me off. There's plenty of time for regrets tomorrow, it's still going to be my face looking back at me in the mirror.