Pacifist No More

Tonight I punched someone. Oddly enough, what is most interesting to me is not the fact of the punching, but the fact that I wish I'd punched harder. I want to punch and punch and punch until something breaks. My fist, a wall, a face, whatever . . . it is really of no consequence to me.

I suppose I should back up a bit. I'm Ame. Last year I wrote a blog every day for 365 days and it was tough, but I learned some things. Since the conclusion of that blog I have tried a few others, but nothing has really stuck. I find I miss the daily outlet for whatever is in my head. So today I launch Another 365. I realize that what fascinates me does not always appeal to everyone, but I find that without the ability to get it out there, I sort of implode or possibly explode, as I did tonight. Bottom line, I am a woman with a lot of opinions and a lot to say and this allows me to get it out there.

Life has not been my oyster of late, but I'm doing my best. Sometimes my best is a poor example and sometimes even I am pretty damn impressed. Tonight, however, a person I felt was friend accused me of something that was not true and in the process I got called some pretty shitty names. Now let's remember who we're dealing with here. I am not particularly thin-skinned, nor do I take offense easily. You accuse me of lying, being a bad friend, and a bandwagon Pittsburgh Steelers fan, however, and shit is about to go down.

I take friendship pretty seriously. I'm not great at the day to day, but if you ever need anything from me, you can call and I will be there in a heartbeat. Taking this into consideration. let me just say that coupled with my fragile emotional state of late and my need to believe that my friends have my back, means that I'm going to be sensitive to criticism. There is a lot happening in my life, just like most of us, I am finding life to be a bit of an emotional roller-coaster. More than that even, it's been somewhat out of control and these days I am newly in charge and aware once again.

The world seems to be a different place for several reasons, but tonight the only thing that mattered was that a friendship I cherished turned out not to be so great after all. Enter my fist. I am not proud of what I did. I am actually a little amazed. It's not the first time someone has inspired me to want to be violent, but it is the first time I have ever acted upon it. Oddly enough, what is consuming me now isn't my shock or regret at having committed such a heinous act, but the fact that the person I punched won't be around to understand exactly why I did it. To this person I am still a piece of shit, and despite my knowing the contrary, I mostly want to prove this. Turns out, punching someone isn't really a good way to prove you're not an asshole. Surprise.

I know I'm a good person, but I also know that I make bad decisions and sometimes hurt people. I hate that I was not able to convey my feelings with words. I hate that I broke my own cardinal rule of pacifism. I hate that I might have been the cause of emotional and physical pain. What I hate most though, is that I didn't hit someone or something sooner. It felt pretty damn terrific. So good in fact, that I am going to find a boxing gym and sign myself up. I know I am an all or nothing person. Right now, my greatest fear is that I am going to operate at a punch or be punched mentality until the boxing takes root.

My life is a bit of a mess and I am an emotional basketcase. I love, I hate, I like, I avoid . . . I contradict even myself on a daily basis. Some things are true from the outside in however, and one of those truths is that I never lie about my feelings. They show all over me whether I want them to or not. I am the girl crying alone in the bar or laughing hysterically at videos of babies and kittens. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I expect a lot from my friends. Turns out, a little too much.

Lesson learned, never trust someone younger and keep your hands in your pockets when you're pissed off.

Tune in tomorrow to see what is brewing at the start of Another 365. Cheers.