Day Seventeen: Ohhhh nuts!

Why do we revisit past mistakes hoping for a new outcome? If we break up with someone, for instance, do you really think that three months down the road that person is suddenly going to be exactly what we need? Maybe we really do realize after some time and distance that the job, boyfriend, wife, best friend, chiropractor . . . whatever, was superior to anyone or anything else we'll find and so we re-enlist for the pleasure of reconnecting. Then again, maybe we've just not found anything better and in a life that can be lonely and cruel at times we simply need something to make us feel connected or to fill that void.

Funnily enough, we do it with all sorts of things, not just the biggies. I know those leopard print and black mesh heels do not stay on my feet and are almost legendarily uncomfortable in the shoe world, and yet they are still in my closet. I will wear them again, in fact. I will pull them out when they are the exact right choice while standing in front of the mirror  . . . and then I will walk. The minute I leave my apartment I will begin to curse those damn shoes and to reconsider my decision. when I get home, however, I will put them away once again, storing them in my closet for yet another night. Those shoes continue to tempt me the way I watch my friends pine for their old girlfriends. The girlfriends who treated them like crap or chastised them for their lifestyles, poor choices, lack of careers, etc. and yet these men moon over said woman like she was the one. The one to what? Make you feel badly?

Are we so afraid of being alone or trying new things that we'll accept even the worst of the old ones simply because they are comfortable? Well, maybe not those shoes, comfortable should not be translated in a literal sense for the shoes. So maybe it's not comfort at all, maybe it's more the fact that we idealize something and put it on a shelf in the same way those awful shoes are protected in their plastic, see-through shoe box high over my head. We put things we once loved on pedestals and protect them not for what and who they now are, but for what we imagined them to be.

This man will be the perfect spouse; she will be an amazing boss and mentor; these shoes are going to make people stop and stare. The ideas that allow us to invest in people and things are also the very reasons why it is then difficult to disengage. Doing so requires an acknowledgement that we failed somehow. We failed in our judgment or in our ultimate goal or in making something work. So we continue to idolize what we already know is a failure because that is easier than admitting that it's over and that we might just be wasting our time.

Unless of course, we really have changed. My feet are not planning any major reconstructions so unfortunately those shoes are never going to be much good outside their protective box, but I can change. So what if he or she hasn't, maybe all that needs to happen to fix that relationship is within my power. If I was a bad employee, I can fix that. If I was a lousy wife, I can fix that. If you are a lousy boyfriend, knock it the fuck off and get it together. We do have power over ourselves, but changing who we are is often not as easy as blaming the other person. Pointing fingers is also just so satisfying in its self-delusional way.

So saddle up, the trick is to know --to really know-- who is to blame and who needs to change. Because the sad and confusing fact of the matter, is that it's also supremely easy sometimes to just blame ourselves and think, "well I can change and then she'll love me again." No baby, no she won't, because she'll still treat you like dirt and you'll just deserve it less. I guess there are no real answers to this one. Is it perception, personal failure, idealization/idolization, or a combination of all three? Who knows, but I suspect we will all keep making the same mistakes again and again. Which is fitting since I believe we are all just a bit crazy anyway. Remember the old definition? Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. You got it, we're all fucking nuts.