Day Twenty-Six: Universal Smack-down

I'm freaking out. It's less than one week until the end of my first semester of grad school and I still have two papers to write and a final to study for. I'm feeling not very confident about the 20 page paper and presentation I gave this week and I feel like if I don't have a night to just get drunk and let loose soon I'm going to have some sort of stress induced panic attack. Oddly, this has actually been a great semester for me. So far I have A's in my classes, I won a scholarship, and I just got a coveted assistantship. I have a job that is paying most of my bills from only a couple nights work and I'm more happy than sad. All in all, things are going well . . . and yet I am waiting for the bad news.

I'm not one of those lucky people. Never have been. I don't win things and I certainly never get things done easily or early. The level of stress that I have been operating under for two weeks straight is probably the most I've ever felt. I'm hoping and assuming that I'm just extra sensitive to the pressure because it is my first semester, but also, there's this nagging worry in the back of my mind telling me that something is going to go wrong.

Other positive things are happening too. After both headlights and a brake light burned out within days of one another and being too busy to replace them I got a notice that my license is suspended for an unpaid parking ticket in Indiana. Before I had a chance to pay it or replace the lights I got pulled over by a state trooper for the headlights. (I'm using my fog lights, not totally dark.) As I sat in my car waiting to discover if he'd have to arrest me or tow my car or what, he came back and just gave me a warning. Didn't even mention the suspended license. After putting on about five pounds from not working out, I began stress eating the last couple of weeks and actually lost weight. I ran into a cherished friend who betrayed me and he came up to me to call a truce. My nail polish hasn't chipped for a week. I actually like my job and all the other people that work there.

Clearly something weird is going on and I'm pretty sure I'm about to get a major smack down courtesy of the universe. Things just do not go my way. So I fully intend to fail at least one of my finals. These papers, which should be the easy part for me are eluding me and the questions for my other final may as well be written in a foreign language as much sense as they seem to be making.

Then again, what if I pull it off? What if I not only pass, but maintain my A's? What if everything keeps going well for me? What does that mean? Will the husband come back? Will the stubborn blackheads that are almost as old as me suddenly dry up and disappear? Will my stomach stay flat even after I eat? I don't think I can handle it. I don't have any idea how to live a life where things go well or right. I am a sad song, hard-luck case, kind of woman. I'm a Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash, not a Celine Dion.

Is there some sort of reference book for good luck and smooth sailing? Should I pull aside some happy-go-lucky, wealthy blond couple  to ask how to live in the golden glint of success? I am utterly unprepared for good luck, but if suddenly happiness finds its way to my doorstep I'm going to seriously lose it. Let's not get carried away universe. Smack me down and be quick about it, I know how to pick myself back up, I've been doing that for a while but the lucky, happy stuff? Not my field, so just send your sunshine somewhere else. I'll take the familiar discontent over the alien success. At least I know how to prepare for and deal with the former.