Day Thirty-Six: With Friends Like These . . .

Today is my wedding anniversary, which would be a good thing except for the fact that I am no longer with the husband. Instead, it's a pretty crappy, thing. Ripe for my natural self-indulgent, whiny rant. I love my husband despite the fact that he wants me to not love him. So this is not exactly a happy occasion. To be fair, however, it would not exactly be happy even if we were together. I have lost a cat, and multiple friendships within the last week. I keep waiting for things to turn around and it seems instead that they get worse, at least emotionally.

In other respects, life is going well. I got A's in my first semester of grad school, I won a scholarship and a assistantship. I am making money in my other part-time job, and the weight I gained by eating my emotions during finals is starting to come off. All in all, life isn't too bad, except for the emotional bullshit. Why does that happen? Is there some sort of universal balance that says when you're up one year, you have to crash the next or if you're experiencing rewards in one are, you have to have loss in another? Whatever it is, it's damn obnoxious.

I have done nothing lately but write incredibly narcissistic ramblings on my own life. I know this, it has not escaped me that I am a whiny, complaining baby. Still, it just seems a bit hard to believe that I could have multiple close friends screw me over in such a short span of time and to have it happen during my wedding anniversary, just before Christmas and my birthday to boot. Wow. Fantastic timing douchebags I thought were my friends.

So what is that? Is it possible that everyone really did turn out to be a db at the same time, or am I making that happen and not realizing it? Do we all truly live a self-fulfilling prophecy? I cannot answer this sense I've always been a bit of the cynic, but those of you that are generally positive, how's life? Are you reaping the rewards and benefits, or still struggling in a no-name job?

I am going to get back to issue-based blogs very soon, but right now I'm just kind of shocked at how screwed up life is. Why do I keep trusting people who are only interested in their own friendship and support base? Do I not seem just as needly as everyone else? I mean, maybe my hard exterior makes people feel like I am inferior emotionally, like I just don't feel it,  but it's not true. I am an incredibly sensitive person so when  you turn out to be an asshole I will take it personally.

I'm not expecting miracles people, but if I can comfort you over the loser guy who you treat like crap for six months or the year-long girlfriend who screwed you over, but still continues to haunt you, then I will do it. The bottom line is I appreciate true friendship over everything else and right now I need friends. Real friends, loyal friends, trustyworthy friends . . . I just need a few people in town who fit the bill. When did friendship become so horrible? Since when do you practically have to audition your firiends?

Whatever is happening now, I hope it to be better soon. I need to go back to ranting about political crap. Please, "friends," stop being so obnoxious. Let's all put fucking Ame over on hold for a moment, and instead try being genuine. I know it's new and I'm obnoxious, but holy fuck, does your obsession with flirty with men or mooning over your ex-girl really make it impossible for you to see anyone else?

I guess so. I suppose it's too much to ask for some shared attention. Maybe my perspective is just bigger because I've been married, or maybe a great majority of people are the Tami and David's of the world and can only see what is right in front of their faces. Welcome to the big picture kids. When people are there to support you, they sometimes expect similar treatment in return. Clearly not something you are able to handle. So yeah, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. 2010 has really sucked. Thanks for not helping to make it easier. Why alleviate the pain when you can teach me a lesson about trusting the wrong people. Thanks. Lesson learned assholes.