Day Twenty: Cat, Health or Car? We Can Find Our Depth in the Shallowest of Places

My cat almost died this year. She almost died the same die my doctor found two lumps in my breasts. I spent about $900 that weekend on vets, doctors, and hospitals -- both human and animal. A day later, I spent another $600 on my car. It was not my favorite weekend, but it did force me to reconsider my priorities a bit and think about life and the bigger picture, whatever that is.

The cat thing was actually the easiest. Sylvia has been with me for 14 years and she is most decidedly my cat. She stays with, sleeps beside me, and gets noticeably depressed when I travel according to the husband who has been with her when I am not. The weekend was traumatic in that we honestly did not know if she'd live, but the hefty $600+ price tag also hurt quite a bit. Still, as Jeff pointed out when I called to discuss it with him, if I didn't do what was necessary I'd always wonder if I could have saved her and I'd likely regret not trying based solely on the money.

The car was a bit more difficult, but no less traumatic. I love my car. It is my little bubble of happiness and in it, I allow myself to both forget and indulge the emotional battles of my life. Don't get me started about how many times I have cried in traffic or sang at the top of my voice with the top down, even with other cars nearby. Even so, I didn't have the $600 needed to fix it and it took some desperate measures to find it. At one point it looked like it would become a  cat or car scenario, but luckily I escaped that awful choice. Still, already $1200 in the hole in less than 48 hours and then I get the knews about the breast lumps.

This is not one of those diagnoses any woman wants to hear, but two?!? What makes it worse is that you cannot just run right out and get yourself a mammogram. You have to schedule it and wait and it's pretty much torture because the entire time you're wondering if you have this lethal invader in your body and you cannot do anything about it. Eventually I had the mammogram and all appears okay medically, but financially it kind of sucked. First, there was much scuttling with the insurance company to make sure they paid for it and even after there were some hefty co-pays.

So in a span of about four days I almost lost my beloved pet, my car, and my health. All three survived, but my bank balance, I'm sad to say, was pretty much DOA. It was, however, an interestingly cathartic weekend. I had to ponder some incredibly emotional and worrisome issues in a very short span of time and there were a few moments along the way that I really cursed my life. I hated that I had to deal with all of these things alone despite recognizing that in many ways I was alone through my own fault. Still, it affected me quite deeply to be facing the mortality of the beloved three: my cat, my car, my life (or at least the girls). Do I want to die alone? Can I bear to lose another pet without my husband there to console me? Does my car mean more to me than everything else?

You think the last is a joke, but you don't know the half of it. I should have sold that car. I couldn't afford it and the husband, newly back from Iraq and struggling to get back into normal life was financially handicapped by my non-existent job and expensive car. I should have sold it or at least given it to him, but I didn't. Actually, I couldn't. I thought about it. I told myself, "if you could guarantee that Jeff would stay, would you sell this car." Honestly, I wasn't sure. That car, as ridiculous as it might be considering I had no money to pay for it, was the closest thing I had to a companion. When I was lonely, or sad, or happy, or anything really, that car was my escort. Jeff wasn't there, even when he was, but Ava loved me and she never turned me down.

I'm glad I get to keep my breasts. I'm beyond grateful that Sylvia did not, in fact, bite it at the animal hospital. Most of all, I'm happy that my car is still running smoothly. It may not really be a friend and yes, I can live without it, but it was there when no one else was and I gave that car more of my emotions than I was able to give my marriage for a while. Not, because I didn't want to give, but because there was no one willing to receive. Except for Ava. That car saved me in a way. It's my safe place and my happy place. the next time Sylvia costs me over $600 for a slim chance that she'll live I may have to seriously rethink things, but I'll do whatever I have to for that car, because it's as much me as the girls I might had to part with had things gone differently.

Health, happiness, and companionship. I almost lost all three in one weekend and honestly, I'm not sure which I would have missed more.