Day Twenty-Three: Nothing at All, Isn't That Something?

Ever wonder what would happen if you suddenly let all the balls you've been juggling save one, drop? Well, I have the answer, nothing and everything, and nothing again. Currently, I am focused nearly 100% on finishing major papers, projects and finals preparations for grad school. In addition to that I have a job that I have to show up at to survive financially. Aside from those two occupations, however, I am not devoting time to anything else. So what am I letting drop by failing to juggle the other commitments that accompany an average life?

Cleanliness. My house, my car, my personal appearance are all kind of a disaster at the moment. I barely have time to sleep, let alone work out and eat right. Cleaning has never been my thing, but lately it's gotten a bit disturbing even for me. Today, for instance, I spilled my latte while driving at breakneck speeds to class between writing one paper and researching another. Rather than take the time to clean it up, I simply put an old newspaper still in my car from several days ago over the top of it. It's anyone's guess what that's going to do to the leather seat, but at the time, and to be honest at this time, I don't care.

Personal relationships. I've stopped communicating with most of my friends and family save for tidbits on Facebook. I may not have friends left when I come out of this school daze, but I really do not have time to worry about it. My marriage or lack there of is an ever-increasing disaster and my ability to sustain normal conversations with people has seemingly evaporated. While working on my paper the other day a random male came up and started asking me in-depth questions about the topic. After the third question I simply said, "Let me save us both some time, I'm married." He made some comment about my thinking too highly of myself and shuffled off, but it did the trick. For all I know he could have been a professor, but at that moment I just needed and wanted him to shut up and go away so I could work. It's not that I'm vain, it's that I'm busy and on the off chance that rambling dialogue was working its way around to "So, do you wanna go out?" I thought it easier to just get to it.

Sleep. I'm not sure what's happening with that. I am awake until 3 or 4 in the morning and then I'm unconscious until 7 or 8. I assume sleep is happening during those hours, but I feel so exhausted you wouldn't know it.

Anxiety and ADD. I am no longer able to focus on any one thing. I am moving at a constant high rate of speed, taking ever-increasing chances while driving, multi-tasking things that should ordinarily require singular focus (showering and researching journal articles on my laptop) and talking over every one just to get to the point I need to make or question I want to ask. I am consuming vast quantities of caffeine and attending to numerous items at once while giving none of them any real focus.

All this considered, life is still proceeding normally. There have been no major snafus, altercations, or accidents. As far as I know all the utilities are still on, the car has gas, I showered and washed my hair today, and I have a few friends still talking to me. So really, nothing has happened.

On the other hand everything is happening. Despite the minimum basic requirements being met, I am not advancing any relationships or obligations. I am meeting bare minimum in all areas and realize somewhere beneath my immediate consciousness that in a week I will come out of this haze ten pounds fatter and in complete disarray. Both of my headlights are out as well as one brakelight. Currently even the most mundane post dark trips to the store are black ops missions and yet I have no time to do anything about it. I could fall flat on my face at any moment, but I'm not sure I'd even notice. In fact, maybe I already have.

Then again, in some ways nothing is indeed happening. The lack of advancement in any area and almost religious commitment to doing no more than what is absolutely necessary to survive means that I am, in fact, doing nothing. I'm doing nothing about relationships, housekeeping, physical fitness, work commitments or anything else. Nothing is happening. I just hope that all this nothing adds up to decent grades or the next something that happens will be my academic career hitting the skids.