Day Thirty-Nine: It's Not Perfect, but it's Mine

In less than seven hours I plan to be on the road for an eleven hour drive back to my hometown of Fort Wayne, IN. I need to tell you that I am not a huge fan of the Fort. I didn't like growing up there and I'm not very happy about coming back to visit. I consider New York City my home as it is the place that I feel most at ease. Still, I am inordinately excited for this trip. After what was the worst year I have ever endured I am so grateful that this one is coming to a close and that this trip to my hometown is going to help me close it out.

Most people I find have fond thoughts of home. That comforting feeling of being welcomed to something so familiar that they carried with them always and each time they return it is as if to welcoming embrace. I don't have that. My home has changed, there is no place for me to come back to. No home to stay at, no familiar smells or mementos of a life passed. Going home for me, simply means returning to a place where family lives, and some old friends, but it's not really familiar, at least not in that comforting way.

This year, however, I am driving home by myself for the first time in almost ten years. While the idea of spending my first Christmas as a soon-to-be-divorced woman is incredibly sad and somewhat paralyzing emotionally, I am looking forward to that drive. I love road trips. I love being in the car on the open road and living only by my rules -- at least until I see a state trooper. There is a freedom to a long road trip you will not find in air travel. My music, my climate control, my mood, it's all about me for 11-12 hours I get to feel any way I want. No one will tell me to smile or to not cry. No one will ask me what happened with my husband. No one will notice the every increasing pot belly I am acquiring. It will just be me and Ava and the road.

There are other reasons I am glad to be spending this holiday in the Fort. Reconnecting with some old and cherished friends is foremost among them. So too is the opportunity to simply change my environment and to put physical distance between my current residence, which holds a great deal of stress for me at the moment, and my holiday home. I need to rest in a safe place where I feel welcome and loved and these days there seem to be too few of those places.

They say home is where your heart is. Well my heart will always be in NYC, but it belongs to my husband. So this year I will be without home or heart, but maybe with the aid of a long drive, some good friends, and a day of family I will still find peace.  At the very least, I hope to achieve a bit of an emotional break and perspective that only the craziness of family and friends at the holidays can provide. It's not a perfect life and it certainly is not the Christmas of my dreams, but it is what I've got. Even someone as pessimistic and self-absorbed as I tend to be, can appreciate the good in life, what a surprise to discover that "good" is in the Fort.