Day Thirty: What is the Depth of My Selfishness?

Sometimes we are selfish. We put our immediate needs ahead of the needs, desires or requests of others. Today I am selfish and because of it, I may be prolonging suffering.

I have a cat. Sylvia has been with me for over 14 years and she is most decidedly mine. She loves me, follows me, cuddles with me when I'm sick and flatters me by getting noticeably depressed when I'm traveling. Sylvia has been sick for a while. Two months ago she cost me $900 and almost died. Since then she's rebounded, but suddenly today she's taken a turn for the worse and I don't have time to deal with her. I had two papers to finish today and a final to study for tomorrow. I have been crazy stressed from work and school with no time to relax and so I'm putting Sylvie, my beloved companion on hold.

I honestly do not think that I can put her to sleep tomorrow then go on to study and take grad school final. It just is not in me to be that focused and so I'm hoping she can hang on until Wednesday when I will hold her while she slowly slips away. I suppose a small part of me hopes that she is just sick with some sort of cat flu and that by tomorrow she'll be fine again. Putting her down too early might be a mistake I cannot take back. That's true a little bit, but the reality is just that as long as she's not exhibiting signs that she is in pain I can't deal with her. I can't deal with anything but school.

I haven't cleaned anything in ages. Rather than change my sheets I just started sleeping on the other side and I'm no longer certain which piles of clothes I've tossed on the floor like a teenager are the clean ones and which are the dirty ones. So no, I don't have the hour to put my cat to sleep and I sure as hell do not have the fortitude to do it and then to go on to focus on my studies for ten hours.

So am I heartless? I watch her lay there, uneasily. Breathing seems labored and she's very quiet, very still. She doesn't want to be picked up, but she'll let me stroke her gently and talk to her. She's not eating, I'm expecting her to not be able to make it to the litter box even, but still I need her to hold on. Just thirty-six more hours and I can do the humane thing, the act I should have probably done today.

Yes, we are all selfish in our own ways. Children learn to be selfish as toddlers, taking toys out of the hands of others and screaming when the same is done back to them. I am too old to claim ignorance of her condition, this is plain self-serving, self-absorption and I know it. I only hope that my dear, sweet, beautiful girl will still love me to the end. I wouldn't give up my car to save my marriage, but I'd give up almost anything for her. Almost. I need school. I need this one thing in my life that is for me and for a future free of bartending, temping, and bills paid by an unwilling husband.

Just hold on baby girl. Mama's only going to be selfish for more day and then I swear it's going to be all for you.